Who are you being? The act of leading from love

We often focus so much on what to say and how to say it that we miss the most important question: who are we being when we say it?

People feel your energy before they hear your words. They know whether you're coming from love or fear, whether you're trying to control or truly serve. And that knowing determines everything that follows.

When We're Closed vs. When We're Open

I was working with a client who found herself getting triggered by one of her team members. Recent interactions left her frustrated, building stories about this person's incompetence, their attitude, their lack of commitment. She was closed off, defensive, committed to being right.

She was struggling to figure out how she wanted to move forward. So I asked her, “how would you handle this if it were one of your sons?”

What we discovered was that until now, she was showing up as someone who had already decided this person was a problem to be managed rather than a human being to be supported.

The shift happened when we got curious instead of certain. Instead of asking "How do I fix this person?" we asked "Who am I being in relationship to this person?"

The Family Test

When we get triggered and our egos take over, situations become unnecessarily complex as we try to manipulate outcomes. This simple test can cut through that complexity and bring us back to what matters: How would you handle this situation if this person were your family?

When your brother is struggling, you don't write him off. When your daughter makes the same mistake for the third time, you don't give up on her. You might get frustrated, but underneath that frustration is love. You want them to grow because you see their potential, not because you need them to make your life easier.

That's one of the differences between managing and leading. If managing is about getting compliance then leading is about seeing people's potential and creating conditions for them to step into it.

With family:

• Your intention is pure. You genuinely want what's best for them

• You're willing to have uncomfortable conversations because the relationship matters

• You can separate the person from their behavior

• You stay in the game even when it's hard

The Strange Truth About Change

The moment you stop needing someone to be different, they become free to actually change. This is an old truth: the more tightly we grasp, the more everything slips through our fingers.

I explored this with another client who had just become a father. As we talked about the kind of leadership he wanted to model for his son, something clicked. He realized he'd been approaching difficult team members like problems to solve rather than people to serve.

The question shifted from "How do I get them to perform?" to "How do I show up as someone who creates safety for their growth?"

It Has to Be Real

This isn't about technique. You can't fake this energy. People have incredibly sensitive radar for what's real. If you're manipulating them with kindness to get a result, they'll feel it.

The work has to happen on the inside first. You have to genuinely shift from seeing people as obstacles to seeing them as opportunities. Opportunities to practice love, to develop patience, to model what real leadership actually looks like.

This requires letting go of our certainty about who someone is and staying open to who they might become.

Try This

Before your next difficult conversation, try this:

Take three breaths and ask yourself: "If this person were my child, how would I show up right now?" Not to coddle them, but to serve their highest potential.

Notice what happens in your body. Notice what happens to your agenda. Notice how the energy in the room shifts when you bring genuine care instead of frustrated control.

This isn't soft leadership. This might be the hardest thing you'll ever do as a leader. Staying open when everything in you wants to close down and control.

What Happens Next

When you lead from this place, something remarkable happens. People start showing up differently because they feel safe to be human. They stop hiding their struggles and start asking for help. They stop defending and start learning.

This is how culture actually changes. Not through new policies or programs, but through one person at a time choosing to show up as someone who sees others' humanity rather than just their usefulness.

The question isn't whether people deserve this kind of leadership. The question is: who do you want to be? And more importantly: who are you being right now?

Because that person, the one you're being right now, that's who's creating everything that follows.

-Dom

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